An Amputation

The best way to describe what it feels like without

Austin here with us is this ~ it's like we've suffered an amputation.

None of us has lost a limb, so I cannot say if this is an accurate analogy.

But, if we could imagine what it would be like to lose

an arm or a leg, it may feel something like this.

His absence has left a hole in our family.

  

We are used to being in constant contact with each other

in the comings and goings of day to day life and living.

We've never been away from our children for very long.

Howie's longest separation from us was on a business trip ~

he was away for eleven days.

I had the opportunity to go to Wales to help our precious

Uncle die at home ~ I was gone for two weeks.

Austin's been in Heaven now for over five weeks.

Oh, how desperately we miss him.

It hurts.  We can easily be brought to tears.

Without warning, the sadness wells up inside and spills out.

Yes, life goes on.  But, Austin's absence is felt.  Keenly.

In the empty bedroom.  The empty desk.

The empty place at the table and in the van.

In my counting out five, not six, place settings.

In evening devotional times, and when Fraser plays the piano ~ alone.

In the violin sitting silent in its case, and the music on the stand unplayed.

I am missing...

Hearing his voice and feeling his hug.

Passing him on the stairs or in the hallway.

Seeing him drive up the street with a wave and smile.

Hearing him say ~ "Good Night", or "Good Morning".

I miss the connection with him in the sense of humour we shared.

I miss the thoughtful things he would say or do.
His quiet presence was precious.  I didn't realise just how much.

In all these ways, and so many, many more ~ 
he is missed.  Terribly.

~ L to R: Austin (9), Emma (2), Calvin (7), Fraser (5) ~

But, God is Greater than our grief.

He is Greater than our sorrow and even our loss.

He meets us in this journey and walks the path with us.  He goes before us.

Our loss is only temporary.  Our loss is Austin's gain.  He lives.

And, one day we will join him in Heaven to worship our Saviour forever.

Eternity is real and everlasting.  Time is temporary.

This separation is for such a short while, in reality.

Oh, that we would have eyes to see

and hearts to truly believe and comprehend these things.

By God's great and merciful grace, we do.  We will.

We must continually remind ourselves that

though we miss our Austin, he is not missing us.

He is HOME.  And, he is rejoicing.

One day, the LORD will take us Home as well.

Heaven is more glorious than we can imagine.

And best of all, the Lord Jesus is there.

"...Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man,

the things which God hath prepared for them that love him."

~ I Corinthians 2:9 ~

How precious it is to know that the LORD has Austin with Him,
and that he is well and free from pain and suffering and sin.

He is praising the God he loves.

These thoughts ease some of the pain of this separation.

It is a comfort to our hearts.

And so we continue on.

Moment by moment.  Step by step. With the LORD.

It's what we are called to do.  By HIS Grace.

Many Blessings,
Camille

Nearly a Year Ago

Nearly a year ago, I wrote this post.
At that time we thought our troubles with Austin 
were a thing of the past.  We were wrong.
It turned out to be a beautiful reprieve in the midst of the trial.
We must remind ourselves that Austin's healing is complete ~ he is well.
It was God's plan all along to heal him ~ just not here.
Oh, how I thought it was going to be here!
My heart aches with the reality that we now face.

Through it all, however, I still believe that God is Good.  Always.

I still believe that He does all things well.  Always.

I still believe that He is in complete control.  Of all things.
Even when the *unthinkable* happens.  Yes, even then.

~ L to R: Emma, Calvin and Fraser at Austin's grave ~

Why did things change for the better, and then end like this?

Why did the LORD call our son home to Heaven?

Because His ways are higher than ours.

And, the way He accomplishes His plans sometimes is mysterious.

But, that does not make Him any less Good.

Any less in control.  Any less than Perfect.

Not at all.

We just look through a glass darkly.

We see things through finite minds.

We are limited on this side of eternity.

But, God is not limited.

He sees perfectly.  He acts perfectly.
He does all things well.

And, He cares when we hurt.

Yes, we hurt.  But, He is meeting us in this pain.

And He is carrying and providing and giving grace.

Moment by moment.  

~ L to R: Fraser (3), Emma (6 mths), Austin (7) and Calvin (5) ~

Today I give thanks.  To the Giver of Life.

Our Great God is worthy of all praise.

For all eternity we will praise Him.  Austin is praising Him at this very moment.

May He help us to do so as well, even in the midst of pain of suffering

on this side of eternity ~ in the here and now.  

On this day, I am thankful for these mercies...

 Austin died at home ~ peacefully in his sleep.

He'd had a good night and was looking forward to the day.

The *little black box* in his pacemaker that told us what happened.

It would have been a pain-free passing ~ how that comforts my Mama heart!
And God, in His mercy, allowed me to have one last moment with him that morning.

He was not in the hospital and never had been hospitalised for Crohn's.

We had an extra 14 months with him ~ two or three of which he felt really well.

He was beginning to play his violin again and create music with Fraser ~

I am so grateful that I recorded some of those moments on video.

He took Emma along to the library and on errands a few times in his last month.

We were able to go to the park together and watch him send up a rocket ~ twice.

Cousins had been over to visit recently, not knowing what was to happen.
Grandparents each had their last visit with Austin recently as well.
We have many, many memories of our precious son.
And, I had taken many photos of life as it happened.

Austin's testimony was clear and his faith strong.
He loved his Saviour and grew spiritually through his struggles.
Mercifully, we didn't focus during this last year on the possibility of an early death.
Rather, we lived, as much as we were able to, in the moment.
And, we enjoyed life together.

The day prior to Austin's home-going he was studying for an exam.
He was living life, too.
He had planned to re-connect with a childhood friend on that Saturday.
I remember hearing Austin chat on the phone with that particular friend 
as they caught up with one another ~ it was SO wonderful to listen to 
Austin's side of the conversation and piece it together ~ JOY!

I am thankful for the many memories we have to cherish.
Austin in his Uncle's Canadian Airlines uniform ~ 
he was approximately six years old.

The boys in the dressing room getting ready to play some hockey.

L to R: Austin (11), Fraser (7), Calvin (9)

Austin and Fraser playing at their cousin Kristy's wedding

in May 2012 ~ Austin was 17 and Fraser was nearly 13.

Last Summer on my birthday ~

We thought Austin had turned the corner for good.

Oh, how thankful I am for those precious, precious days!

So, yes.  God is Good.  Always.

He gives grace and strength and peace and comfort.

And, when there are no answers we trust and we rest.

In HIM.  In HIS perfect plan.  In HIS Sovereignty.

All is a gift from His hand.  Everything.  

Many Blessings,
Camille

Carried

It's happened twice ~ this feeling of being carried.

When Austin had open heart surgery as a baby, and now.

It's precious to belong to the Family of our Great God.

He sustains.  He carries.  He keeps.

It's all of Him.  He is so good and kind and gentle.

We are blessed beyond measure.

In the past four weeks we have seen the hand of God in our lives.
We have been encouraged by HIS grace.  HIS mercies.  HIS peace.
Oh, there have been moments of sheer terror at the thought
of going on without our precious Austin living here with us.
There have been tears like never before.
Deep anguish that seems like it will overtake.

But, God meets us in our pain.
He encourages through HIS Word and prayer.
And, He sends people to be His hands and feet to us.
We have been carried in so many ways.

I cannot begin to tell you how precious it is.
To belong to HIS wonderful family is overwhelmingly amazing.
We praise Him for His hand upon us in this fierce storm.
He truly does carry and keep and provide.
He does all things well.

I cannot help but think of all that Austin has gained.
He has seen his Saviour face to face.
He has been worshipping Him in perfection for nearly a month.
He does not struggle with self or sin or the evil one any longer.
He is free from pain and suffering.
And, he is rejoicing with the blood bought saints who have gone on before.
Spurgeon, Uncle Johnny, Abraham, Joseph and so many more ~
They all are there together praising our precious LORD.

What a thought!

What more could a Mama want for her child?

In my flesh, I want him here.  With me.  With us.
But, God in His wise purposes has chosen a different path.
And, we must see that it is best.  It is painful, but, it is best.
Only the LORD can give this perspective.
It does not come naturally.  Not at all.

And, it is not easy.

How are we handling these realities?
Moment by moment.  Step by step.  Day by day.
One foot in front of the other.  With HIM.
It's the only way.  There really is no other option.

I continually have to reign in my thoughts.
I am not to imagine the future without Austin here with us.
Because the future here is not mine yet.  I don't own it.
I don't own my next breath ~ God does.
But, in this moment.  There is grace.  There is strength.
It's found in Christ Alone.  Only in Him.

We as Christians are promised a future with our Great God.
Austin has just gone ahead of us.  He lives because HE lives!
As my brother in law said at the memorial service ~
Austin just has had a change of address.
We will go to him one day because we will go to our LORD.
And, we will be together forever worshipping our Great Saviour
for all eternity.  It's a glorious thought!

There are currently three *must have* books on my list for the Christian.
If you do not have these books, might I humbly suggest
that you get your hands on a copy of each one?
The first is the Bible.  The Word of God.  It's our food.  We starve without it.
The second is CH Spurgeon's "Morning and Evening" ~ so rich.  So encouraging.

And, the third?  I've been reading it for the past year off and on.
It's the type of book you could read and read and read again.
So full of Truth and faith building words....really, it's a gem.
"Trusting God Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges is the book I'm speaking of.
Please get your hands on a copy.  Please read it and drink it in.
It will fortify your soul and encourage your heart.




We all have struggles and trials to face at one time or another.
It's the nature of this life here on this earth.
How can we use these things to the strengthening of our character
and the deepening of our walk with God?
We must go through the valley with Him ~ praying each step
of the way that we would learn what He is seeking to teach.
We must seek Him for strength and grace to trust
Him even when we don't understand and to glorify Him in the midst of it all.

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name;

thou art mine.  When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee;

and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:

when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned;

neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour."

~ Isaiah 43;1b-3a ~

HE is Faithful.  HE will walk the path with us.
And, no...the waters will not overflow.  The flame will not kindle upon us.
It's His promise to His people.  I can testify that it is true.

Much Love,
Camille

With the LORD ~ Final Update

*UPDATE* ~ Austin's memorial is scheduled for Monday, June 10, 2013 ~
Please email Camille at flowersinhisgarden@gmail.com 
if you are in our area and would like to attend.


"...The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away;

blessed be the name of the LORD."  ~ Job 1:21b ~

Suddenly, and without warning, our precious Austin

was taken to be with his Saviour yesterday morning ~ June 1, 2013 

sometime between 9:45 and 10:45am peacefully in his sleep.

I had spoken with him at 9:45 and returned to his room to wake

him for the day at 10:45 when I found him unresponsive.

He had tucked himself in and appeared to be asleep ~ peaceful.

It has been determined that his heart went into ventricular fibrillation

and was unable to recover with the shocks delivered by the internal defibrillator.

Apparently, he would have passed out from the 

fibrillation and passed away shortly thereafter.

It does not seem real.  I write this from a broken heart.

I had told Austin he was to bury me ~ it was not to be the other way around.

But, our Great God had other plans ~ better and wiser ones.

Austin suffered most often in gracious silence the last three years of his life 

with rarely a complaint ~ he just was not a complainer.  

He was always easy-going and found joy in the little things.

The LORD has delivered him from his pain and suffering.

He is with the Lord Jesus Christ in glory ~ praising the Saviour he loved!

He would not want to come back.

But, oh, how I want him back!

For just one more hug, one more smile, one more laugh.

To see him and hear him and touch him ~ my first baby.

But, this is not what is best.  God truly does what is best.

His ways are perfect.  He always does all things well.

We must continually speak Truth to ourselves.

We must fill our minds with Truth.  God's Word is Truth.

It is living and powerful and is our sustenance in times like these.

Each day is a gift.  Each moment is precious.

God graciously gave us extra time with our Austin.  

Humanly and medically speaking, he should have died last spring

when he was first diagnosed with Dilated Cardiomyopathy.

But, God saw fit to restore him to health and life for a few months.

It was a gift that I will always cherish.  From the hand of a Loving God.

May we never charge Him foolishly.  

May He be glorified in all we do and say and think.

May He continue to daily give grace to live for Him.

We cannot take this journey alone ~ and, we are not called to.
He walks this path with us.  The waters will not overflow.

In Austin's Birthday card this year, 

the verses we shared with him were these ~

"Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by name;

thou art mine.  When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee;

and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee:

when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned;

neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

For I am the LORD thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour."

~ Isaiah 43;1b-3a ~

These promises are real and true.  

They will stand sure until the end of time.

We have every confidence that we will one day see our

precious Austin again.  In Heaven.  Forever.  With the LORD.

Thank you for walking this journey with us.

Thank you for supporting us in the myriad of ways that you have.

We appreciate each and every one of you.

Keeping our eyes fixed by His grace alone ~

And with Much Love,

Camille

**The photo in this post was taken in the Fall of 2011 ~
It's a favourite photo of Austin when he looked most himself.

**Please know that your thoughts shared and comments made
will be cherished by each one of us ~
I will, however, be unable to reply at this time.
We will have to be absent from this space for the next while ~
Thank you for your gracious understanding.
Please pray that we would remain steadfast in HIM.

**If you are not sure where you will spend eternity,
please click here and prayerfully consider your never dying soul.

Update ~ Howie posted on his blog in his own words as a Dad.
If you would like to read what he wrote, please click here.

Slow and Steady ~ An Update

The progress with Austin has been slow and steady.

Two steps forward and one step back at times, or so it would seem.

It's been quite a journey and one in which we find ourselves

looking to the Lord each step of the way ~ a good thing, really.

Isn't that how we always ought to live?

Day by day.  Moment by moment.  Step by step.

Yes, I believe it is.  

As a Christian, it's through these sorts of situations 

that we are taught this valuable lesson.

We will learn it until the day we go to be with our Saviour.

We will not arrive until we close our eyes in death.

How precious it is to know that He knows.

To know that He cares.  To know that He will carry us through.

Since our recent low point with Austin

two months ago, he has gained 18 pounds.

He now weighs in at 110 ~ he's nearly six feet tall.

Obviously, he is still underweight, but far better off than he was.

Needless to say, we were very concerned when his weight plummeted.

It was absolutely terrifying.

We prayed and asked the Lord what to do next and we waited.

A few days later Howie had a business meeting ~

the business person discovered some of our story

and loaned us a book which I subsequently devoured.

We were desperate and felt that the suggestion of

an elemental diet was the next step to take.

That's what we've been doing.

Austin was able to tolerate and receive the nutrition.

Day after day he grew stronger ~ very, very slowly.

His weight inched up ounce by ounce.

It's been an uphill battle these last two months.

There have been good days and bad ones,

but, overall the good outweighs the bad.

What a blessing.

The road ahead is still a long one.

We must battle through one day at a time.
We know that wherever this road leads the Lord walks it with us.
He goes before us.  We have nothing to fear.
He has proven to be Faithful over and over and over again.

Currently, Austin continues to put on weight ~ however, 

he is growing weary of the way in which he must nourish his body.

It's not for the faint of heart or weak in spirit, that's for sure!

We so covet the prayers of God's people.

We are thankful for each one of you who has

written and inquired and prayed ~ you are a blessing!

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

May the Lord's will continually be done.

May He give us the grace we need to seek Him first.

With Love,
Camille

12.2 ~ An Update

We are so thankful for each of you who have been checking in with us
and praying for Austin ~ you bless our hearts!
It's been a few weeks since my last update, so it's time.
Thank you for your patience with us and for loving us through this season.

Things have slowly been going in the right direction.

Austin has gained weight ounce by ounce over the weeks.

He is coming back to us slowly.

And we live.  One day at a time.
How precious and precarious life is.

Through it all, we are conscious of the fact that
our God is Great and does all things well.

In the last nearly six weeks, Austin has gained
12.2 pounds ~ isn't that wonderful?
Please join with us in rejoicing over this answer to prayer.
Praise our Great God for His mercies ~ they are new every morning.
We are praying for a further gain of 15 to 20 pounds.
Although we ask for this, we seek to submit continually 
to our Loving Heavenly Father's will and timing in all of these things.

On another note ~ Austin's iron levels are too low.

The next step in this journey is to try yet another supplement
to avoid going the transfusion route.
Please pray along with us that this iron will be accepted
by Austin's body, and that it will improve his overall well-being.

We stay the course and plod along.

Grateful for every improvement and every advance ~

no matter how small or incremental.

Over time, they all add up to great strides forward.

We are thankful for each new day.  For each new grace given.

Thankful, too, that we do not walk this path alone.

It's been a journey.

It has not come to an end and it is not near its end.

How precious life is.  How blessed we are.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support.

It is amazing to belong to the Family of our Great God.

We will praise Him together forever ~ isn't that an incredible thought?

With love and grateful thanks,
Camille

7.6 Pounds ~ An Update

During Austin's recent crisis in his struggle with DCM and Crohn's,

we sought the LORD as to what He would have us do next.

Day by day, He leads.  Moment by moment, He is Faithful.

Where would we be without Him?

Last Friday, Howie and Austin visited with the 
Heart Failure Specialist at Children's Hospital.

This particular Cardiologist made it very clear that he 
does not expect Austin's heart to recover.

He only hopes that it will not get any worse.

Our Electrophysiologist, however, has a
conflicting opinion about Austin's prognosis ~ 
she believes his heart could recover some of its function.
Austin's pacemaker is therapeutic ~
its purpose is to facilitate improved heart function 
over time with ongoing treatment.
However, neither specialist knows the future for Austin.

We serve a Great God, and He alone holds the future.

Our hope does not lie in man or medicines or devices.

Our hope lies in the LORD of the Universe!

Whatever He deems best is what we seek after.

By His grace.  For His glory.

It's easy to demand what we want.
To dig our heels in and say we will accept nothing less than a miracle.

But, we do not command God.  

He is the Potter.  We are the clay.

We must submit to His way with us ~ it is best.

May we remember this.  Always.

Even when the valley is deep, the path long, 
and the sorrow nearly crushing.

We must remember.  He is Good.

In recent weeks we have employed another

set of means to help settle the Crohn's down.

It appears to be working well.

Austin has gained 7.6 pounds in three weeks.

He is encouraged.  So are we.  

The Lord has led us each step of this journey.

We look to Him to make these means a blessing to our son.

Reducing the heart medicines has also produced some good results.

We are so thankful that the Lord has gone before us in these things.
So thankful that He prepared the hearts and minds of the
physicians who care for Austin.

It's all such a blessing and an answer to prayer.
It seems that once again, the tide may be turning.
There still is a long way to go, but, the initial signs have been good.

Eleven months ago, we were rejoicing to see
our son thriving after nearly losing him.
How quickly the change was wrought in his physical body.
It was a glimpse of how life was prior to any of these challenges.
Only a few months later, however, a decline in Austin's health began.

It surely has been a roller-coaster, but, 
our Precious Saviour has carried us through at every turn.
I can testify to the fact that He never leaves us nor forsakes us.
Wherever He leads, He gives the grace and strength required for the journey.

How blessed we are to belong to Him!
Wherever this path ends up, we have confidence that
He will lead and guide for our good, and for His glory.
There really is nothing to fear and everything to hope.
Because He is Good.  Always.

Thank you so much for praying for our family.
We are thankful for all the loving care and concern shown to us.
May the LORD bless you each one.

With Love,
Camille

Low Point ~ An Update

We are at a low point with Austin on 

his journey with Crohn's Disease and Dilated Cardiomyopathy.

Very low.  It's actually been frightening to watch him struggle.

His weight got to the lowest ever two weeks ago.
We continue to pray and seek the LORD at every turn.

There have been many bends in this road.
Humanly speaking, we are weary.  Very weary.

But, God's grace is sufficient in the midst of it all.

When Austin's weight reached its lowest point,
we took him to emergency expecting to admit him,
but, they felt he was well enough to go home with us.
We took him home and continued with the course
of treatment we were on.  We continued to pray.
In the last two weeks he has gained four pounds.
He is still far below his ideal weight,
but, we are grateful for any additional pounds.

We praise the LORD for His mercies!

Yesterday, Howie and Austin went up to

Children's Hospital to meet with the heart failure specialist.

The purpose of the meeting was to establish which

of the medicines could be eliminated or reduced.

He has been on four.  A cocktail.

It would appear that they may be interfering with

his progress on the Crohn's front.

The meeting was productive.

However, the doctor informed both Howie and Austin

that they are experimenting with our son.

They do not really know what will work for him

and what won't.  Trial and error. 

He admitted that Austin's case is a challenging one.

This confirms to us how imperative it is

that we are actively involved in the decision making process.

For that, we need much wisdom and strength.

Our gracious LORD promises to give it. 
Step by step.  Day by day.  Moment by moment.

Throughout this most recent struggle,

we have been encouraged by the following verse ~

“…neither know we what to do: but our eyes are upon thee.” 

~ 2 Chronicles 20:12 ~

He has been Faithful.  He continues to lead us so gently along.

How wonderful it is to rest in the fact that our Loving

Heavenly Father is the Great Physician!

We continually lay our son at His feet and trust Him for the outcome.

He always does all things well.

Austin loves the LORD.  His sins are forgiven.

He rejoices in his Saviour.  We are thankful for these mercies.

Such mercies!  This has been such a comfort to our hearts.

We rejoice that truly, our times are in HIS hands.

Thank you to each one of you who have prayed for our family

over the past many months ~ you have blessed us greatly.

We appreciate all the loving care and concern shown

to us ~ each one of you has been such an encouragement.

If the LORD should bring us to mind,

would you please pray that Austin would put on weight

and that the adjustment to his medications would be

of benefit to his body?  Please also pray that whatever the 
outcome should be, we would still praise HIM.
Thank you so very much!

May the LORD have His way in this whirlwind.

And, may we come forth as gold ~ tried, but not consumed.

He alone is worthy of all our praise.

With Much Love,
Camille